Why Change Can Feel Uncomfortable — Even When It’s What You Want

How past experiences can shape what you expect, and how to begin making room for a different response.

You want to speak more openly.

You want to stop apologising for things that don’t need an apology.

You want to rest without spending the whole time thinking about what you should be doing.

But when the moment comes, it’s not quite that easy.

You hesitate before sharing your opinion. You agree to help before checking whether you have the time. You finally sit down, then remember one more thing you could be doing.

It can be frustrating when you know what you want to change but still find yourself doing the same thing.

“Why am I like this?”

“Surely I should know better by now?”

Before you give yourself a hard time, there’s another question worth asking:

“What am I worried will happen if I do this differently?”

You want something different, but you’re expecting the same reaction

Imagine deciding that you’re going to stop over-explaining.

You know you don’t need a long explanation for every decision. You’ve thought it through. You even know what you want to say.

Then someone asks why you can’t help.

You feel uncomfortable, and out comes the explanation.

Perhaps you’re worried they’ll be disappointed. Perhaps you don’t want them to think you’re selfish. Or perhaps a simple “I can’t this time” feels much more uncomfortable than you expected.

You haven’t necessarily forgotten your decision.

You want to say no, but you’re also trying to avoid what you think might happen afterwards.

That gives you something more useful to work with than “I just need to be more confident.”

You can begin looking at the part that makes saying no so difficult.

What happened before can shape what you expect now

If asking for help has been met with irritation, you might become used to managing on your own.

If speaking up has led to criticism, you might start keeping your thoughts to yourself.

If someone has often been unhappy with your decisions, you might find yourself explaining them before anyone has even asked.

These aren’t explanations we need to assume about you. They’re examples of how an expectation can develop.

Research on fear learning shows that something previously linked with an unpleasant experience can continue to bring up a response. New experiences can help us learn something different, but they don’t necessarily wipe out the earlier learning.pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih+1

Everyday life is more complicated than a research study. But this helps explain why knowing something has changed doesn’t always mean you immediately feel differently.

You might know that your partner is happy to talk things through, but still find yourself bracing for an argument.

You might have lovely colleagues, but worry that asking a question will make you look as though you don’t know what you’re doing.

You might finally have a chance to rest, but find yourself looking for one more thing to finish first.

If any of that sounds familiar, it’s worth getting curious about what you’re expecting.

Does it fit what’s happening now, or are you preparing for a reaction you’ve had before?

Sometimes it’s a bit of both.

Sometimes there’s something difficult happening now

It can be a relief to hear:

“You’re not failing. This might be a way you’ve learned to protect yourself.”

That can help you be a little kinder to yourself.

But we don’t want to put everything down to an old pattern.

Perhaps you’re exhausted because there really is too much on your plate.

Perhaps saying no feels difficult because the person you’re saying it to does give you a hard time.

Perhaps you’re trying to get comfortable with something that isn’t working for you.

Before asking, “Why can’t I handle this better?”, it’s worth asking:

“What’s making this so hard?”

Sometimes there’s an old expectation to work through. Sometimes you need more help, a clearer boundary, or something in your life to change.

And if you’re regularly exhausted, struggling to concentrate, or feeling unlike yourself, don’t assume it’s all about your nervous system. It’s worth speaking with an appropriate health professional too.

You deserve support with what’s happening now, not just an explanation for how you got here.

Positive words may not answer the thing you’re worried about

You might tell yourself:

“I’m allowed to say no.”

But the question underneath is:

“What if they’re angry with me?”

You might repeat:

“My opinion matters.”

While still wondering:

“What if they think it’s stupid?”

The words might be true. They just may not answer the thing that’s troubling you.

Rather than repeating them more firmly, you could pause and ask:

• What am I worried will happen?

• Has this person actually responded that way, or am I expecting something I’ve experienced elsewhere?

• If the conversation is uncomfortable, what could help me handle it?

• What choices do I have now?

You don’t have to talk yourself into believing that everything will go perfectly.

You’re giving yourself a chance to see the situation more clearly — including the support and choices available to you.

What about “feel the fear and do it anyway?”

You’ve probably heard the phrase, made famous by Susan Jeffers’ book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

There’s something useful in it: you don’t always need to wait for fear to disappear before you begin. Jeffers encourages taking action and building trust in your ability to handle what happens, rather than waiting until you feel completely certain or confident.

That can be encouraging.

You don’t have to feel entirely at ease before asking a question, trying something new, or having an important conversation.

But a memorable saying can leave out a lot.

What, exactly, are you asking yourself to do anyway?

Speak up in a supportive meeting, even though you’re nervous?

Or challenge someone who has repeatedly intimidated you?

Those aren’t the same situation. They need different kinds of thought and support.

Sometimes it’s what happens afterwards that frightens you

You may know how to say no.

What worries you is being rejected afterwards.

You may know how to ask for help.

What feels difficult is letting someone see that you need it.

You may be perfectly capable of making a decision.

What troubles you is the thought of someone being disappointed with your choice.

So the task isn’t always just saying the words.

It may also mean allowing someone to have a reaction you can’t control, or accepting that you won’t know exactly how things will turn out.

That deserves more understanding than “Just do it.”

You don’t have to be fearless to move forward

Confidence doesn’t have to mean never feeling afraid.

And courage doesn’t mean being comfortable with everything you do.

You can want to take a step and still worry about what might happen.

“Feeling the fear and doing it anyway” doesn’t have to mean ignoring what you feel. It can mean noticing the fear, understanding what concerns you, and deciding how to proceed.

Sometimes that means going ahead with a shaky voice.

Sometimes it means preparing, asking for help, or choosing a smaller first step.

And sometimes it means recognising that your concern is reasonable and the situation needs a different response.

The important part is choice.

Are you choosing a challenge that matters to you? Or are you forcing yourself because you think being frightened makes you weak?

You don’t need to prove that you can endure anything.

Start with a step you can actually take

For anxiety-related avoidance, NHS guidance recommends approaching feared situations gradually, starting with easier steps rather than rushing straight into the hardest one.

That might mean saying:

“Let me check and come back to you.”

Instead of agreeing immediately.

It might mean asking one question in a meeting, rather than expecting yourself to lead the whole discussion.

Or telling someone which restaurant you’d prefer, before tackling a much more difficult conversation about your needs.

A smaller step still counts.

Before you try it, notice what you expect will happen.

Afterwards, give yourself a moment to look at what did happen.

Did they respond as you expected? Was there anything you handled better than you thought you would? Would a little more preparation help next time?

You’re not marking your performance.

You’re learning about yourself and the situation.

It doesn’t have to go perfectly to be useful

It would be lovely if every boundary were welcomed and every honest conversation brought people closer.

But confidence can’t depend on everyone responding well.

Sometimes someone will be disappointed.

Sometimes you’ll stumble over your words.

Sometimes you’ll ask a question and feel embarrassed, even though nobody else seems particularly concerned.

The useful experience may not be:

“Nothing uncomfortable happened.”

It may be:

“It was uncomfortable, and I still managed to say what I meant.”

Or:

“They didn’t like my answer, but I didn’t have to change it.”

In anxiety research, new learning can involve discovering that a feared outcome doesn’t always happen — not proving that it could never happen. You don’t need a guarantee that everything will be easy before you’re allowed to try.

Small moments of support count, too

You don’t have to wait until you’re overwhelmed to check in with yourself.

There can be small moments throughout the day when you notice how you’re doing and give yourself a bit of support.

You might:

• Look away from your screen and notice the room around you.

• Move your shoulders or change how you’re sitting.

• Take a few comfortable breaths without forcing them.

• Notice that you’ve been trying to concentrate while hungry or tired.

• Step outside, have a drink of water, or ask someone for a hand.

• Ask, “What would make the next few minutes a little easier?”

This isn’t another routine you have to get right.

And it isn’t about keeping yourself calm all the time.

It’s about getting used to noticing what you need before you reach the point where everything feels too much.

Some breathing practices have shown benefits for mood and physical arousal. One study found benefits from five minutes of daily practice over a month, particularly with an exhale-focused exercise.

If focusing on your breathing makes you more uncomfortable, try something else.

A tool is there to help you, not give you another thing to struggle with.

This is part of learning to trust yourself

Self-trust doesn’t have to mean believing that every thought or feeling is right.

You can listen to yourself without letting the first reaction make every decision.

You might say:

“I’m worried they’ll criticise me. Have they actually given me a reason to expect that?”

Or:

“This feels like too much today. What would be a smaller step?”

Or:

“I don’t like this feeling, but I do want to have this conversation.”

You’re making room for both what you feel and what matters to you.

You don’t have to dismiss your concern.

You don’t have to follow it automatically either.

How hypnotherapy and coaching can help us explore this

In my RTT hypnotherapy and confidence-coaching work, we can take time to understand what makes a particular change difficult for you.

What are you expecting when you speak up?

What feels uncomfortable about asking for help?

What do you find yourself thinking when you stop working and try to rest?

Where it’s helpful, we may explore earlier experiences and the meanings you took from them. But we don’t need to assume there’s one hidden event behind every pattern.

My approach can include hypnosis, guided imagery, personalised suggestions, and a recording to support the work between sessions.

Coaching gives us space to bring that work into everyday life.

What would you like to try? What gets in the way? What support would make a difference?

We can also look at what you notice in your body as pressure builds and find practical tools that suit you.

There’s no promise of a permanent “reset” or a point where you’ll never feel afraid again. We’ll talk about your needs, what this approach offers, and whether another kind of support would be more appropriate.

A difficult day doesn’t put you back at the beginning

You might handle a conversation differently, then find yourself over-explaining the following week.

That can be disappointing, especially when you thought you’d moved past it.

But one difficult moment doesn’t cancel out the experience you had before.

Research on fear learning shows that older responses can return with time, stress, or a change of situation, even after new learning has taken place. That’s one reason change is more complicated than simply deleting an old response.

Instead of “Why am I back here again?”, you might ask:

“What made this harder today?”

“What helped me before?”

“Do I need more practice, more support, or a different approach?”

There’s more room to move when you’re not treating every wobble as proof that nothing has changed.

You can be afraid and still have choices

You don’t need to criticise yourself into being braver.

You can understand what worries you, look at what’s happening now, and choose a step that makes sense for you.

Sometimes you’ll go ahead while feeling nervous.

Sometimes you’ll ask for help.

Sometimes you’ll decide that something needs to change before you take the next step.

All of those choices can be part of learning to trust yourself.

If you’d like support with a familiar pattern — whether that’s overthinking, people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, or holding yourself back — you’re welcome to book a free first call.

We can talk about what’s happening, what you’d like to be different, and whether RTT hypnotherapy and confidence coaching are the right fit.

Maria x

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I’m Maria — a Clinical RTT Hypnotherapist and Confidence Coach working online with professional women worldwide. I combine Rapid Transformational Therapy with trauma-informed coaching and nervous system regulation, going directly to the subconscious root of self-doubt, anxiety and the patterns that keep brilliant women stuck.

If something in this post resonated, a first call is a relaxed, no-obligation conversation about where you are and whether this work is the right fit.