The Kind of Humour That Builds Confidence

Aug 9

— And the Kind That Quietly Erodes It

two women leaning against the wall laughing

You know the type — the woman who laughs easily at her own mistakes, who never seems to take herself too seriously, who can turn an awkward moment into a joke before anyone else gets the chance. She's likeable. Disarming. Great company. And here's the thing — that easy, self-directed humour isn't always what it looks like from the outside.

Because not all humour aimed at yourself is the same. Some of it genuinely builds confidence. Some of it quietly wears it down. And the tricky part is, from across the table, both can look and sound identical.

What the Research Actually Shows

Psychologists who study humour have found it comes in different styles, and they don't all do the same thing for you. Humour that's warm and inclusive — the kind that brings people in rather than putting yourself down — is linked to lower stress and higher self-esteem. So is the kind where you genuinely find something funny in your own situation, without needing to hand yourself the punchline. But humour where the joke is always, consistently at your own expense? That's linked to the opposite — more anxiety, lower self-esteem, and a habit that quietly reinforces the very insecurity it's supposedly laughing off.

Here's why this catches so many women off guard: self-deprecating humour is often mistaken for confidence precisely because it works, socially. People laugh. The room warms up. You come across as easygoing, low-maintenance, fun. So you keep doing it — not realising that underneath the laugh, you're repeating an old belief about yourself, just with better comic timing.

Where This Shows Up in Real Life

On a first date, it might sound like: "Sorry, I'm useless at this, I always say the wrong thing." Said with a laugh, it can feel like breaking the ice. But said on repeat over the evening, it's quietly telling the person across the table — and yourself — that you're someone who gets things wrong a lot. Compare that to laughing at an actual mishap in the moment (knocking over a glass, forgetting the name of the restaurant) without turning it into a character reference.

With family, this pattern often runs deepest, because it's had the longest to bed in. Maybe you're the sibling who's "the disorganised one" or "the dramatic one," and you've leaned into the joke for years because it's easier than pushing back on it. Every time you make that joke about yourself at the dinner table, you're not just being good-humoured — you're re-confirming the family story, out loud, in your own voice.

In friendships, it can sound like deflecting a compliment with a joke instead of just accepting it — "oh please, I look like I haven't slept in a week" when someone says you look lovely. It feels modest. It's actually a small, repeated refusal to let the good thing land.

At work, this one's especially common among capable women: "I basically just guessed and got lucky" after nailing a presentation, or "ignore me, I'm hopeless with numbers" before a meeting where you're about to be completely fine with numbers. It reads as humble. It's also training the room — and you — to expect less of you than you're capable of.

None of these moments are dramatic on their own. That's exactly why the pattern is so easy to miss — it's death by a thousand small, funny-sounding cuts.

Why It's So Easy to Confuse the Two

Self-deprecating humour does real social work. It puts people at ease, softens an awkward moment, makes you feel approachable rather than intimidating. There's nothing wrong with any of that. The difference isn't really about the joke itself — it's about what the joke is actually aimed at.

"I just walked into that door, classic me" is a joke about a moment. "I'm such an idiot" in the same breath, with the same laugh, is something else entirely — it's evidence collection. Another small deposit into a belief that's already had years to build up. They can come out of your mouth sounding identical. They land completely differently on the inside, every single time you say them.

This is why the habit sticks around. It doesn't feel like self-criticism in the moment — it feels like being easygoing, being fun, not making a big deal out of things. But say "I'm such a disaster" often enough, in enough rooms, and it stops being a joke. It becomes a description you've quietly trained yourself — and everyone around you — to believe.

The Real Marker of Confident Humour

Genuine lightness about a mistake doesn't need you to put yourself down to get there. It's being able to find something a little funny about what happened — the door, the wrong email address, the plan that fell apart — without turning that moment into a verdict on who you are.

Confident humour laughs at what happened. Self-defeating humour laughs at who you supposedly are because of what happened. One passes and gets left behind. The other one adds up.

How to Tell Which One You're Doing

Next time a joke about yourself is halfway out of your mouth, it's worth a quick, honest check:

Does this actually feel funny to me, or does it sting a little, even while I'm smiling?

Would I be completely fine if a close friend said the exact same thing about me — or would I want to correct them?

Am I laughing at a moment, or am I laughing at a supposed flaw in myself?

Is this the tenth time I've made some version of this joke — and what has it been quietly reinforcing all this time?

You don't need to overhaul your sense of humour or start taking yourself terribly seriously. Just notice which version you're reaching for, and why it's become the automatic one.

What This Actually Means

Your humour can stay exactly as it is — the thing that helps you move through an awkward moment, that makes you good company, that stops you taking every small thing too seriously. None of that has to change. What's worth changing is only the version that costs you something every time you reach for it: the joke that isn't really a joke, just an old belief wearing a lighter outfit.

Confidence doesn't mean losing your sense of humour. It means it no longer has to come at your own expense.

Maria X

RTT Hypnotherapy for Confidence & Self-Worth

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I’m Maria — a Clinical RTT Hypnotherapist and Confidence Coach working online with professional women worldwide. I combine Rapid Transformational Therapy with trauma-informed coaching and nervous system regulation, going directly to the subconscious root of self-doubt, anxiety and the patterns that keep brilliant women stuck.

If something in this post resonated, a first call is a relaxed, no-obligation conversation about where you are and whether this work is the right fit.

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